Compersion or Jealousy?

I hear it all the time and everywhere when the subject of Polyamory comes up, “what about jealousy?” or “do poly people get jealous” or the declaration, “I can’t deal with jealousy so I could never be in an open relationship”.  At times these repeated questions and statements are heard so often that many poly people have almost rehearsed speeches to talk to people or reporters about poly and jealousy.

I was reading an article this morning, as is often true the article stated that “jealousy is human nature” and of course this is why polyamory and/or open relationships can’t work.  Jealousy is certainly a part of human nature but if we allowed the fear of the emotion of jealousy stop us from doing certain things, most of us would not have made it through kindergarten.   The truth is that we as human beings can and do experience jealousy.  This started me thinking about the adult avoidance of jealousy and the hypocrisy of many people’s attitudes when it comes to jealousy.  Yes, most human beings deal with jealousy from the time we are small children and we learn both to deal with it and to overcome it.

Jealousy is a strong and often painful emotion.  As children we are told by loving adults to get over it and/or deal with it.  How often do parents say to a young child, “Cindy, don’t be selfish, share your toys with your little brother.”  When our kids experience serious challenge with jealousy, whether it is a new member of the family or sharing toys with the neighbor kids, we as adults try to help them.  We do not tell them to horde their toys or decide not to have another child to save our kid from the emotional pain of jealousy.  In fact the opposite is true, we will put our children into situations we know challenge them in hopes they will learn to deal with the emotions and be a well rounded person.  Most parents do their best to teach their children a balance between boundaries and sharing.  We expect children as young as two or three to deal with this painful emotion and move through it.

The irony is sometimes so astounding to me when I hear someone proclaim that humans just can’t get past jealousy.   Even as adults, we have to learn sometimes to deal with jealousy.  Perhaps our spouse has a demanding job and they love it.  We want them to be happy but we may feel jealous that the job is taking them away.  Maybe your best friend loves to golf and you hate it, then they meet someone who also loves to golf and become close friends leaving you feeling left out.  Human beings may be jealous by nature but they are also intelligent and can work or move through these emotions.

Why is it in our culture that in our romantic sexual relationships we condone acting like the three year old when we feel jealousy?  Jealousy can even be used as a defense for assault.  When a sexual partner strays or cares for someone else, it as if we accept bad behavior because they were jealous.  Yet the pain of possibly losing a friend to golf or a husband to his work can be just as painful.  No one, however, would condone a person vandalizing someone’s car or smashing in their window while they are driving.  This is no different than the child who pushes over his little sister and grabs her toy.  Many would say it is because the stakes are higher but to a two year old that toy is high stakes.

If we expect a two year old to learn and move through jealousy, then how is so hard to imagine that a group of adults have chosen to do the same?  It is not always easy and it can be painful.  You can feel like that two year old who just lost his toy forever as you sit crying and looking over at the brat who has taken your toy.  If we sit with these feelings, don’t judge them and allow ourselves to grow and learn, we can move through it.  This can be made easier when our partner, just like our parents did as children, comfort and reassure us while allowing us the opportunity to grow.

I continue to be baffled by the looks of disbelief when I say many poly people use jealousy as a tool to grow.  That they learn to move through it and that over time it does get easier.  Why is this such a hard concept?  I know that many adults in our world avoid emotional pain at all costs.  Emotions are the water of life and like water, become polluted when stagnant.  Embracing difficult emotions instead of avoiding them keeps the water flowing and life moving forward.  Polyamory can certainly do this but there are many other ways.  Polyamory is just one way and it is not for everyone, but jealousy is a poor excuse for declaring polyamory does not work.  If poly is not your cup of tea then it is ok to own that and say so, you don’t need to explain or make any excuses.

Jealousy is an emotion about insecurity.  It gives us insight into ourselves and information we can use to feel better about who we are.

The next time you hear someone say that poly can never work because of jealousy, ask them if they learned to share their toys with the other kids as a child.  Yes, jealousy exists in polyamorous relationships along with love, understanding, compassion, sharing and compersion.  This is what makes it so worth experiencing for many people; to move through emotions to a place of connection and love and wait for the next wave to crash.

Robyn Trask of Loving More interviewed, along with several other awesome poly’s, for an article on raising kids in poly families by  Mom Logic.  The article is actually nice.  As is typical many of the comments are scathing.

Excerpt

For some, being polyamorous provides more love and support for the kids than does being in a monogamous household.

Ronda Kaysen: Most nights, Matt Bullen’s 7-year-old son sleeps at home with his mom and dad, except for the nights when he sleeps at his dad’s girlfriend’s house. The arrangement works well because his mom’s boyfriend lives there, too. Actually, his mom’s boyfriend is married to his dad’s girlfriend. Confused? Don’t worry, that’s just par for the course in polyamorist households.

Polyamory — the notion that committed love relationships can involve more than two consenting adults — is a bit like swinging, with one key difference: Love and commitment are  the focus, not sexual hookups. For some, polyamorous relationships involve three or more adults, and no other new partners ever enter the equation. For others, polyamory becomes an even more fluid family dynamic.

Complete article can be found at Mom Logic

Dossie Easton, Reid Mihalko and Robyn Trask

Programs are being printed, name badges made and boxes shipped.  Excitement and anticipation are building as we are just nine days away from Poly Living 2010, February 19-21, Fort Washington, PA.  Poly Living is a good way to break up the long winter and escape to a place full of ideas, warmth and open hearts.  I always look forward to connecting with the community at Poly Living.  Every year I love connecting with people; people I have known for years and people I am meeting for the first time.  Always I walk away from a conference having made new connections with wonderful people.  It is a great feeling to have the opportunity to meet the amazing people, old and new, who make up this awesome community.

We invite you all to join us for a weekend of fun, learning and friendship.  We have a wonderful array of presentations and presenters all eager to see that you get the most out of Poly Living.   (Poly Living can make a great Valentines surprise)

Leaders and Activists are Getting Together after Poly Living.

Poly Leadership Summit March 2009

Loving More is playing host to the third Polyamory Leadership Summit being organized by Reid Mihalko and the Polyamory Leadership Network, February 21-22, 2010.  Anyone interested in polyamory activism is welcome to join in.

For complete information on joining the Leadership Summit go to 2010 Poly Leadership Summit

I look forward to the love, laughter and community of Poly Living.  Hope to see you there!!!

Poly Living Group Discount

Discount of 10% when three people register together, use coupon code PL103.  Recieve 15% when four or more register together, use coupon code PL104.

Loving More Community Connections

Watch for Announcement of Hosted 3D Chats

We invite you to join us and watch for the chat annoucements.

Check It Out Here

Supreme Court of Canada

This is an important issue for all of us.  The press release was sent to us from  Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA).  You can see the original click here.

VANCOUVER — January 28, 2010 — Members of Canada’s polyamory community have applied to become an intervener in the B.C. government’s challenge of section 293 of the Criminal Code of Canada — Canada’s anti-polygamy law. The application, filed in BC Supreme Court yesterday, is on behalf of the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA).

Polyamory, sometimes referred to as responsible or ethical non-monogamy, is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the consent of everyone involved. Section 293 forbids both polygamy and any kind of conjugal union with more than one person at the same time and as such infringes on people’s ability to practice polyamory if the relationships involve cohabitation.

“We believe that people should be free to practice polyamory free of any criminal liability, and that the Charter of Rights gives Canadians such freedom,” said CPAA legal counsel, John Ince.

“It is not appropriate for a law which prohibits loving, committed, consensual relationships to remain on the books, even if it not presently being enforced,” Ince continued.

Newsweek Magazine recently reported that polyamory is a thriving phenomenon in the United States, with over half a million families openly living in relationships that are between multiple consenting partners.¹ Polyamory is also a thriving phenomenon in Canada.

The CPAA, whose purpose is to promote legal, social, government, and institutional acceptance and support of polyamory in Canada, has called for people who practice a polyamorous lifestyle to step forward as potential witnesses, particularly if they are cohabiting with multiple partners.

“Trudeau once famously said ‘there is no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation’. Similarly, we believe that there is no place for the state in the kitchens and the front rooms of the nation,” said Zoe Duff, CPAA spokesperson.

“Adult women and men should be able to choose what form of intimate relationship they enter into and with whom they want to share their lives, even if it is more than one person,” Duff continued.

Polyamory contrasts with “patriarchal polygamy” practiced in religious communities such as Bountiful, B.C. where men have the right to marry or live with several women, but women have no right to marry or live with several men. Polyamory, on the other hand, is grounded in gender equality, self-determination, and free choice for all involved.

If the issues at communities such as Bountiful are alleged abuse (for example: the abuse of minors, abuse of authority, and marriages that are under age), the abuses should be prosecuted using existing laws that address such abuses.

The CPAA anticipates that his matter may go to the Supreme Court of Canada.

You can find articles and information by googling Canada Polygamy Ruling and by going to Polyamory and the News.

Photo by Robyn Trask, Big Sir California

One of the most challenging things for people in polyamorous relationships is finding a balance in their life between relationships and responsibilities.  This can be especially challenging for those who have children, demanding careers and/or are activists working toward awareness and tolerance.  I often get the question how do you have time for everything?  And I find myself asking that question tonight.

Many poly folks find themselves with all of the above challenges and can end up burning out in exhaustion.  At times when the question comes up, I will laugh and tell people that heading up Loving More often means I do not have time for loving more.  It is funny and ironic and also true.  I know many people find this same thing to be true for them.

I believe much of this comes from our heritage and the over the top work ethic of the puritans.  One thing I noticed in traveling around the world that people in the US work more hours and are busier than many other cultures.  We speak the phrase “I’m busy” as almost a badge of honor or testament to our self importance.  We put love, pleasure, fun and the like on the bottom of the list and wonder why our relationships grow apart.

I am on a quest to make time for family, lovers and friends and to balance pleasure with work.  I want to take time and breathe in the moments spent with the people I love.  Time is precious and life passes quickly.   I want to strive to move beyond the “I’m too busy” to a place where love and pleasure are as much a priority as work and activism.  After all what are we working for but the freedom to enjoy the pleasure our relationships without judgment.

I am curious do others share this challenge of putting fun and pleasure last, after work, activism and other duties?

Well polyamory of a sort.  I was watching the Daily Show last evening when they did a story on gays wanting not only marriage rights but the right to get divorced.  In their true comedic style, they were doing an exaggerated story about a minister who opposes gays getting divorced  “No Gay Out – Jason Jones believes that God Intended man and woman to be stuck in a loveless union, not gays” .  They threw in how gay marriage hurt sthe sanctity of marriage between men and women and started interviewing a couple about how they felt about gay divorce.  The couple said they believed in “equality under the law” and did not have a challenge with gay divorce.  The reporter then asked how the husband’s girlfriend felt about it and panned the camera back to show a woman on the man’s other side holding hands.  I was floored and cracking up.  In true Daily Show style it quickly went down hill from there as the reporter dimmed the lights and they then cut to the triad in bed with the reporter standing over them holding a dildo.

It was very funny though I am not totally sure it is good.  Still the Daily Show has an audience of millions, it is about comedy and the entire skit was a satire on the right wings ridiculous arguments against gay marriage.  This kind of media shows people are noticing open relationships.  You can watch the show at http://www.thedailyshow.com/ .

So yes the concept has made it to the big time The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Please share your reactions with us.

As we work to raise funds to keep Loving More going I thought about how Loving More as an organization has touched my life and I wanted to share it.  I hope this inspires you to share your experiences. ~~ Robyn Trask

For many of us in the poly community the road to multi-partnered loving is a complicated obstacle course of emotions and evolving awareness.  Loving More to me was a port in a storm of uncertainty.  At the age of 24 after several engagements and infidelity within my relationships I realized I was simply was not and did not want monogamy.  I wanted honesty, openness and freedom, mostly honesty with myself.  A long time friend and high school sweetheart and I started dating again.  We discovered we both wanted the same thing, an open relationship.  Neither of us was interested in sexual fidelity but we both wanted a committed relationship.  We had both desired and agreed to an open marriage.  The challenge was that neither one of us had any idea of how to really make that work nor even what it meant.  Open relationships can mean many things and for us we decided on a “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy.  Not surprising, it never really worked.  To me it was no different than cheating and the whole idea of having an open marriage for me was to be honest and open.

Robyn at age 24

I was married September 3, 1989 and my husband left to work in Japan December 1.  He would be there for at least six months and this was part of our reason for allowing each other sexual relationships outside our marriage.  I did get involved with an ex-lover but I felt terrible guilt and stopped seeing him.  Shortly after my husband returned I became involved with a mutual friend.  The challenge was I still had to be deceptive in order not to disclose what was going on and honor our agreement.  It was very challenging for me and the man I was involved with, so I again ended it and simply stopped seeing anyone.  I was still in touch with two lovers from my past that I still had strong relationships with but I did not allow it to go anywhere sexually.  I did not want to have to lie.

It was in 1996/97 that I discovered online discussion boards for non-monogamy.  I shared it with my hubby and we started talking.  It was here I learned the term polyamory and about swinging.  As a couple we explored the possibility of swinging and the more I learned the more I knew it was not for me.  I started to explore polyamory and learned about Loving More in early 1999.  My husband and I discovered the local community and about Loving More which was local.  We went to a Loving More meeting held by Ryam at the Boulder Library and it was like coming home.

Colorado Poly Community 2005

We met intelligent educated people.  They were normal nice people and I no longer felt like there was something seriously flawed in me.  I was amazed, as was my husband.  I had always felt like I was defective since I did not feel I could or wanted to be monogamous and this meeting helped me see I was not so strange or alone.  It was this meeting that really prompted us to change our agreements and open our marriage to honesty and polyamory.  Ryam also held a monthly women’s meeting that I attended.

Loving More opened my eyes to amazing possibilities in relating openly and honestly.  I found information, support and a community where I could be myself .  I started a mixed gender support group with a man, his partner and his partner’s partner with the support of Ryam and Mary.  It changed my life for the better in so many ways.  It was at times a scary journey.  It would not be until 2003 that I would attend my first Loving More conference and I would attend first the West Coast and then the East Coast Conference as a presenter.  I went by myself to both, as my marriage was not doing well at this time.  This was not easy.  I had to drive from Colorado to Washington state and drop my kids off with their dad then drive to California for the West Coast Conference.  I then went back to  Washington on Sunday drove to Colorado by Wednesday so I could catch a flight to Philadelphia on Thursday. I did not have much money and I slept in my car so I could afford to attend both.  I attended both because I really wanted to attend the West Coast and Mary really needed presenters for the East Coast.  With the conferences just a week apart it was a bit tricky to attend both.

The conference was life changing and I wish I had attended earlier.  The workshops were so helpful and made a real difference in how I handled myself and my relationships.  I grew so much.  Both conferences were amazing.  I made new connections and friends.  On the east coast I met Ben who I am still involved with today.  I also experienced this amazing community coming together to support a very personal and challenging journey.  I wrote about it in an article called Conference Gifts published in Loving More issue #34.

Annual Colorado Poly Campout

Loving More was a great source of support, personal growth and awareness for me as I came to embrace my own nature as a polyamorous person.   In 2004 when Loving More was in serious danger of going under I wanted to help.  Loving More is really too much for one person to run alone and Mary was a single mom with little to no help.  I was receiving calls and emails asking what was going on and whether Loving More was still going.  I did not understand why everyone was asking me.  I was running a monthly support group, an annual Thanksgiving gathering and an annual campout in Colorado so I assume that people thought I was somehow associated with Loving More.  I decided to see what I could do to help, I had even talked to a friend about starting a new organization if Loving More went under but I hated to see that happen.  I put together a list of volunteers and contacted Mary Wolf who had taken over Loving More in around 2002.  Mary agreed to meet me for lunch.

It was challenging.  Mary was a friend and I knew she was struggling with her position as Managing Editor of Loving More.  At lunch she told me she was burned out and just could not keep going.  This was a very challenging decision but she felt she needed to let Loving More go and sell the business.  I don’t know if she had me in mind at that time but I went home with my head spinning, I wanted Loving More, I wanted to salvage what was a great organization that had been there for me.  I decided to buy it from her not knowing how.  All I knew is I wanted Loving More to continue and thrive and I knew it would be very hard.

I refinanced my house taking out the equity to buy Loving More from Mary.  It was not the best business decision.  The business was in a deep hole and I was not sure it could recover.  It was however an amazingly good life decision.  I was not in a great financial position and I put what little I had into Loving More.   I went from being a homeschooling mom who worked a few hours a week to a mom working 60 to 80 hours a week.  I was essentially single at this time.  My husband had moved to Washington state in 2001.

Taking over Loving More put many things on the back burner.    I was half way through writing a book, my house was for sale and I removed it from the market and I had started a small business, New Visions Center for Personal and Spiritual Growth..   I felt I could make more difference with Loving More and I wanted to help support an organization that had been there for me and so many others.  It has challenged me in ways I never imagined and it is the hardest job I have ever had including raising children.   I am blessed to have had support from so many in the community and my family.

Loving More has touched so many people’s lives in a profound way.  I am honored that I have had the chance to be a part of it and give back.  I have met many wonderful people through Loving More and become involved with four amazing men, two of whom have become long term partners.  I know many people have had similar experiences.  It is this that drives me.  Helping people transform their lives is why I work so hard; it is why I have put thousands of dollars into Loving More and many long hours with no financial compensation.  The personal transformations I have witnessed are why I keep believing Loving More can change the world by teaching about choice in relationships.

East Coast Retreat 2007

I will say that Loving More has been an amazing journey that I hope continues for years to come but if we had to close our doors tomorrow I would have no regrets.  I might be challenged financially but my life has been enriched by all of you in this community, by the lives I have touched and those who have touched me and by all the great opportunities to learn and grow.  I am forever grateful to Loving More, to Ryam Nearing, Brett Hill and Mary Wolf for creating Loving More and entrusting it to me.  This is why I do what I do, Loving More has made an amazing difference in my life and I hope that as an organization we continue to help people and change the way the world sees open relationships.

We are a community and we want to hear from you.

• What are your experiences of Loving More and what does the Loving More organization mean to you.
• Has Loving More touched your life and in what way.
• Please leave or send us your comments/stories and we will share them in the magazine and the blog
• Do let us know if we can use your name or if you need anonymity.
• Share images and photos, just be sure that it is ok with anyone in them and that you have the copyright.

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Robyn Trask, Director of Loving More, will be a guest on Defy the Box Radio tinight January 12, 9:00pm eastern time.  You can tun in if you wish at defytheboxradio.com.

Here is the information from their website;  Loving More : Living a Polyamorous Life Robyn Trask from Loving More will be here to discuss what this life choice is really all about.

If you listen in, we would love to hear your comments.

Media interest in polyamory is increasing and we have need currently for poly people willing to talk to the press.  In the past few days I have been contacted by five different media people for stories on polyamory.  We are looking for the following, poly people in the bay area of California, 20 and 30 something poly men are two very specific needs.  One of these is for NBC another for an online magazine.  We are looking for poly families, networks and singles for another TV Documentary.

We have one inquiry from Discovery Health that I myself am not sure about but I will put it out here.  They do a show “Pregnant and ….”. They are looking for a pregnant poly woman.  I told them it was not likely but I would put it out there.

If anyone is interested in doing some media please let us know.  The current list we have is a bit outdated.  Remember before you do any media check out the organization inquiring.  If they often do shows with lots of angst and drama that is probably what they are planning.  We will check all these out and give our experienced feedback and recommendations.  We always like to keep in mind any media is a reflection on the community as a whole to the world and we like to help programs we feel will help the movement not make it a freak show.  What we do need is diversity of people from young to old, Christian to Pagan, singles to networks, childless to toddlers, gay, straight, male, female and everything in between.

Contact Robyn Trask, Loving More

970-667-5683