Frequently Asked Questions

It depends on your definition of promiscuous. If it means having many sexual partners, then yes, some polyamorous people do have many partners, others go through life with few, but if you mean indiscriminate sex, then no. Most polyamorous people are very discriminating about who they get involved with. A big misconception about polyamory (and swinging) is that the people involved will have sex with anyone. It’s simply not the case. If a person wants to have indiscriminate sex that’s their business, but that’s not what polyamory is about.

Oh yes, many polys feel and deal with jealousy. However, unlike the mainstream norm, polys tend to see jealousy as something to master rather than be mastered by. They are willing to deal with it, talk about it, examine its causes, and see what they can learn from it. Some poly people are low-jealousy by nature; they’re lucky. Others find that they have no jealousy in one situation but get blindsided by it in another. In such cases, polys tend to regard jealousy as a useful warning sign that some undiscovered problem is buried in the particular situation. Jealousy is a strong emotion, and in our culture most avoid facing it. In truth we can feel jealousy about all kinds of situations — work, friends, family, the new baby. What matters is how we choose to look at it and act or react. Often jealousy is nothing more than personal insecurity or a fear of loss, and we can overcome those fears. Many people find that the more the deal with and move through jealousies that come up, the easier it gets.

Oh yes, many polys feel and deal with jealousy. However, unlike the mainstream norm, polys tend to see jealousy as something to master rather than be mastered by. They are willing to deal with it, talk about it, examine its causes, and see what they can learn from it. Some poly people are low-jealousy by nature; they’re lucky. Others find that they have no jealousy in one situation but get blindsided by it in another. In such cases, polys tend to regard jealousy as a useful warning sign that some undiscovered problem is buried in the particular situation. Jealousy is a strong emotion, and in our culture most avoid facing it. In truth we can feel jealousy about all kinds of situations — work, friends, family, the new baby. What matters is how we choose to look at it and act or react. Often jealousy is nothing more than personal insecurity or a fear of loss, and we can overcome those fears. Many people find that the more the deal with and move through jealousies that come up, the easier it gets.

Oh yes, many polys feel and deal with jealousy. However, unlike the mainstream norm, polys tend to see jealousy as something to master rather than be mastered by. They are willing to deal with it, talk about it, examine its causes, and see what they can learn from it. Some poly people are low-jealousy by nature; they’re lucky. Others find that they have no jealousy in one situation but get blindsided by it in another. In such cases, polys tend to regard jealousy as a useful warning sign that some undiscovered problem is buried in the particular situation. Jealousy is a strong emotion, and in our culture most avoid facing it. In truth we can feel jealousy about all kinds of situations — work, friends, family, the new baby. What matters is how we choose to look at it and act or react. Often jealousy is nothing more than personal insecurity or a fear of loss, and we can overcome those fears. Many people find that the more the deal with and move through jealousies that come up, the easier it gets.

This is a crucial question. How you deal with the possibility of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and what levels of safer sex you practice and insist upon in others, are ultimately matters of personal choice. The more sexually active you are, the higher the risk and the more this is an issue in your life. It’s a myth that polyamorous people recklessly hop from bed to bed in disregard for STIs. In fact, it’s hard to find any subculture that is more deliberate and conscientious about negotiating safer-sex agreements with potential partners well in advance of necessity. Loving More consistently teaches safer-sex communication and practices. Polys can and do practice safer sex with high reliability, and some undergo testing at regular intervals for the whole spectrum of STIs. Although we know of no scientific studies, we see indications that the rate of STIs is lower in the self-identified poly community than in society at large — because of the emphasis on responsibility, concern for partners and for partners’ partners, and less awkwardness about sharing our sexual histories. In ostensibly monogamous culture such talks are more difficult, and many people are not honest about who they have been, or are, sleeping with. Moreover, people in poly networks gossip. If you get a reputation for being diligent about safer-sex practices, your desirability in the community will increase. You’ll be seen as more of a hottie. If word gets around that you are careless about it you’ll find yourself being avoided. A person in mainstream culture is not subject to this kind of intimate-community knowledge or pressure. Loving More recommends yearly testing for people in any kind of open sexual relationship. We also recommend that you keep up to date on the latest research. We have informational links available on our links page. With communication and honesty, it can be easier to discuss and hopefully come to agreement with how you and your partners are dealing with STIs and safety.

First and foremost, you never want to go without security protection on your computer. Free Anti-Virus has very low detection rates. Give us a call and we will be happy to inform you of the latest security software we recommend and sell to all our clients for Spyware.

As often as anyone. In polyamory you’ll find many married couples — some who got married and came to polyamory later and some who married as polys in the first place. You’ll also find many who choose a committed partnership with one or more without being legally married. There are groups who’ve had a commitment ceremony for three or more, but polygamy is not legal, so you will not find marriages of three or more on the books. Still others form extended families with friends and lovers who may or may not live under one roof. Polyamorous families come in many shapes and sizes, and many want and are raising children.

This question is asked often, and honestly, there is no definitive current research one way or another. The most that can be said is that, from observation, good poly families are very good for children, and dysfunctional ones are as bad for children as bad monogamous households. This was also the conclusion of the last serious research into the question that we know about (Constantine and Constantine, 1973). There is a need for more research in this area. Families of all kinds face the challenges and emotional scars that the adults bring to them. A good household of three or more responsible adults can raise kids well more easily than a household of two. Finances are likely to be more stable with more working adults, and full-time home child care becomes more possible, not to mention taxi service to soccer practices and the like. On the downside, when poly families face financial, job, or relationship stress, it can be amplified because of the multiple people involved and because of mainstream hostility to the family structure. Another upside: Most successful polyamorous people have great communication skills and the ability to negotiate and work out problems without yelling and throwing things. Such skills are modeled to the children. So, many kids raised in these families are unusually good at communicating their needs and fears to their parents. And spreading parental duties among three, four, or more adults can offer kids not only more support and love, but a bigger collection of parenting skills, than kids often get in the modern (and historically unnatural) nuclear family of two adults only. Parents in polyamorous families do need to keep the children’s emotional and physical needs at the fore when bringing in any new partners. It is also important that parents be aware of how being in a “different” family affects their kids in school and away from home. As with gay and lesbian parents, kids of polyamorous parents can suffer discrimination and prejudice. Overall, most children from polyamorous homes seem to be outgoing and well-adjusted.

Every parent knows their kid best and needs to decide what’s best. As a general rule, however, Loving More always recommends that parents be honest with their kids, in an age-appropriate way. Children are perceptive and will pick up emotional nuances between you and others that even you are barely aware of. We find that when parents finally decide to tell their kids after delaying, the kids usually figured it out long ago. Not telling kids can bring them great insecurity if they think one or both parents are having an affair that means the parents are separating. If we want honesty from our kids, we need to model honesty to our kids. This does not mean detailing your sex life. What goes on in the adults’ bedroom is not the kids’ business in any household, poly or mono. Exception to disclosure: If you face a custody dispute with a potentially hostile ex, the ex should not be privy to your love life — and kids will talk. Evidence of having another sexual relationship will be used against you in a custody dispute. Judges often rule against polyamorous parents in such cases as a matter of course, regardless of the best interest of the child. Loving More and other organizations are working to change this through awareness and education of lawyers, judges and therapists, but it is still dicey. If you find yourself facing custody issues stemming from polyamory, please contact us and we will do all we can to direct you to legal help.