The Newsweek article has stirred up a frenzy of comments and posting on their website because of the July 29 article, Only You. And You. And You.
It is always interesting to me to read the comments after an article in mainstream media on polyamory. There is always a prolific and strong reaction of moralizing and pointing fingers at what terrible perverse people polyamorists are. Many people seem to live with their heads in some other reality of monogamy being the precious and most legitimate relationship. If statistics are even close at a minimum half of the people moralizing have had or are having an affair. Studies show again and again that monogamy is not natural among most animals including humans. Typically they pair bond and then cheat.
Polyamorist choose to be honest, to open to love and connection with more people. What really bothers people about polyamory is not the love but that these are romantic relationship involving sex. These are people having loving SEXUAL relationships. We all love many people, our kids, parents, friends and family, but bring sex into it and people freak. It is really our societies challenge with sex that is at issue. Sex is a wonderful experience of intimacy shared between people that brings them closer. Why is this so challenging?
Most people in polyamory are loving, honest and care immensely about the health and well being of their partners. In monogamy that so many stand up and insist is so much better 60% to 70% of the couplings one or both cheat. They lie, sneak around and put their own and partners health at risk with their deception. This is the reality of modern so called monogamous couples. It is not monogamy at all. Poly people are simply recognizing their needs, wants and desires and are being honest.
I think people get tweaked because it hits too close to home. Most people have had to choose between two people they love because they did not even consider they might have a choice to love both. No wonder so many seem so angry. Flinging insults and making polyamory wrong is a way of coping with unrequited longing. Kind of like the homophobic who is secretly in the closet about their own sexuality.
Personally true monogamy is not in my nature and cheating is against my personal beliefs. I prefer honesty and openness. Monogamy does work great for a few of my friends. Neither form of relationship is better nor more evolved then the other, simply different.
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I keep waiting for the anti-poly backlash to happen… and waiting… and waiting….
My wife says it’s not happening because we’re not enough of a threat yet. The Newsweek article seems to have raised the threat level for a lot of people, though, judging from the comments to the article and the freakout it’s causing around the right-wing blogosphere.
It’s not just that this is a major, positive article in a major news magazine. It’s that the magazine says poly is going to be part of society’s future and it’s important: “America’s Next Romantic Revolution,” and “It’s enough to make any monogamist’s head spin. But the traditionalists had better get used to it.”
Honestly, I didn’t think we’d be taken this seriously quite this soon!
The poly people being interviewed in all different media are doing such a good job.
Many people live in fear as a way of life: fear of losing the job, losing some way of life they are comfortable with, what the future may hold, if their partner would leave them, that the world is going downhill because things like ways of relating, marriage, etc. change over time…so people who value such as tradition, security, etc. close to their heart will always feel threatened by anything new.
And people who hold values dear to them that seem to conflict with poly people will feel threatened…and values conflicts are difficult conflicts to even approach and discuss unless all people are willing to open their heart and really listen to the other.
Yes, I think that many monoamorous people have been attracted to others, and have cheated as well. A book on the subject I like is at http://dearpeggy.com/. This is an interesting book, almost a handbook on how to stay monoamorous even when the urge is so strong to cheat. Good book for people who want to stay a dyad and refrain from being with others.
We polys don’t need that restraint, just great communication and trust, which interestingly is the theme of her book as well.
Thanks for having this blog. xo